Ascension Essay
Apr. 2nd, 2017 07:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
guru_clefSeven hundred years can give you such a crick in the neck, to paraphrase. Clef had been, more or less, in a rut in his canon before he arrived. He had been helping to care for, raise, and protect the Pillar and her brother, up until the moment that she was kidnapped. He knew she had prepared for the possibility that some day her life might be in danger. There was a prophecy that said that if the situation were dire that no one from their world could save her, that she would have to summon the Legendary Magic Knights from another world. And Clef's task had been to welcome them, arm them, and help them learn how to fight in a world where willpower and creativity were the wellsprings of magic. Where those with the strong enough will could do anything.
He had spent years preparing for that potentiality. He worked with Presea to make the Knights their proper armor, researched spells to teach them, prepared all he could for their journey... and then soon after they appeared... he was Wakened.
Unlike some of the newly Wakened, Clef did not seek to return home. To his mind, this was his role to play. He had wanted to spend more time with the Knights - infuriating as two of them were - but that was not his part any longer. He was, he believed, much like a Magic Knight for Nautilus.
He remained more or less in his rut, in his way of doing things after arrival. To some, that might not look like a rut, because what he did was study. He tried to learn everything he could about bending, about the magics of other worlds, and about what he could do to serve the role he was given.
But that was all he had been doing for hundreds of years. Study and fulfil the role he was given. Yes, his mind was open and receptive to new ideas about magic, and power, but he was firm in his convictions. The Pillar of a world - be it Emeraude for Ceiphro or Nautilus for Nautilus was to be protected, and cared for. He took the storms to be Nautilus' way of entertaining himself, and played along because he figured that was the cost of keeping the Pillar safe and sane.
Those who knew him then could speak to his stubborn refusal to believe anything else. Everything he was told about Aeons and Ashura and the like he translated in his mind into terms he was familiar with. He studied magic, but not the world he was now in; so sure he already understood it.
The first major change for Clef was the alignment swap storm. Before that he accepted that he was still a Guru, felt that was still his role. He felt that the Pillars were blameless and needed to be supported, not questioned.
And then he was no longer lawful good. He was chaotic evil. He saw his role not as his place in the worlds, but as shackles. He remembered his feelings of loyalty but no longer felt them, and he became convinced that they were proof that all this time he had been under a terrible and horrible spell. And he decided that no longer would someone else decide his role in life. He knew who and what he would be. He would be the one who killed the Pillars, freeing everyone from their mind-control, ending their tyrannical rule.
He prefered to start with Emeraude as he felt personally betrayed by her, but he was flexible. He was just as willing to start with Naut - as he started calling Nautilus - should the opportunity arise. He was balked many times in his quest to get to a gate and fulfil his self-chosen destiny. But even when he was balked, he was still Clef. Jane distracted him for a time by showing him a fascinating magic he had never before seen, and a new way to use shields. When he almost killed Nash by accident (how he perceived it, not how close he actually came to frying the man) he felt remorse, and wanted to enlist his friend into helping him.
Nash took him out of the effects of the storm, and sat with him while his head cleared. Clef turned introspective as the effects slowly faded, trying to examine his life and his memories to figure out what was really him, and what was artificial. Who he was.
Ultimately he came to the conclusion that his loyalty to Emeraude was real, because she had earned it, and because he had come to care for her and her brother as family. Because he loved them both. His faith in her was justified. Naut, however, was an unknown, and while he wanted to believe the best, and in some ways still saw him as a Pillar, the blind devotion was gone. Clef's wanting to help became wanting to help the worlds not because it was his role, but because that was what he wanted to do, who he wanted to be.
On that day, he renounced his title of Guru, because he no longer felt he earned it. He has since called Nash Guru Nash, because he feels that Nash is wise enough and strong enough to deserve the title. And a little bit because it seemed to make Nash uncomfortable. This was the first time he really felt like he belonged in this world enough to tease someone here that way. It was the closest he had let anyone get since his arrival.
Another major change that day, and one he is still trying to figure out, was his accent. In his canon, from the point he was taken, he speaks properly when calm, but when he gets emotional, he drops into something that makes him sound somewhat uneducated, and perhaps a little like a thug. He is usually embarrassed after, and has tried to reign it in. He has always felt like he has to sound educated to impress people so that they will take him seriously, given that he stopped ageing at about 10 or 12 years old, and is tiny. It was something he struggled with in game, until the storm. While affected, he didn't fight it, didn't try to sound educated. He didn't care about respect. After... he came to terms with not being a Guru, felt he was unworthy of the respect, and stopped trying so hard.
And oddly? Once he stopped trying to control his accent... it mostly went away. Now instead of appearing when he gets emotional, it only comes when he is VERY emotional, and he can often control it and stop himself. He has also, for the most part, gotten better at controlling his emotions as a whole. Ever since he was forced to question if his emotions were truly his, he has been more careful about reacting based solely on them.
He also, after that storm but not as a DIRECT effect of it, stopped trying to take science as magic. He tried to learn the differences, he tried to understand science. He did not always do a good job of it, but he tries. The 4th Doctor and Jane were major resources for him in learning science.
At Christmas, he spent a while discussing cooking with Jane because she was explaining how baking worked, and he could tell there was something there that he was missing. He became fascinated with it. And the topic had come up because a conversation with Link previously had him wanting to learn to bend food that wasn't the usual fare. He had been content with berries and the other offerings of the forest until Link expressed a boredom with such things, which is why he spent so much time after that trying to memorize the taste, smell, texture, and appearance of so many foods. He wants to bend them for Link, and for others. But he also wants to learn how to make them the other way, sure this will unlock the secrets of science for him.
At the Christmas dance, he also spent time revisiting the topic of clothing, which he and Nash had discussed at his arrival. Then, Clef had written off the other man's confusion about his armor. Here, Clef saw everyone dressed differently, and his clothing didn't feel like armor, so he was confused. And when he saw Nita dressed up... for the first time he had some minor inkling as to why people might change their clothing or care about how it fit them. He is still... a little confused about his reaction to seeing her in a dress, and tries not to think about it.
That's right, 745 years old, and he has no freaking clue that he started to have a minor crush on one of his friends.
Clef did his best to apologize for his behaviour during the alignment swap storm, and tried to make amends. He comforted people who needed comforting, and he tried to help those who needed it. He stopped looking only at the macrocosm of saving all the worlds as his sole focus, and learned to also see the small ways in which he could help those around him.
During this time he became closer with Link. Link in many ways reminded him of Ferio, when the Prince had been younger. Clef grew protective over the boy and increasingly frustrated. He hadn't realized, however, just how much he had grown to care for Link until Shadow appeared.
Thinking Shadow was Link under the effects of a storm, Clef grew concerned and tried to talk to him. When he learned that Shadow was - more or less - family of Link's from - again, more or less - his world, and that Link hadn't told him that he and Zelda had arrived, Clef was hurt. He realized the depth of his feelings for the young boy by how hurt he was that Link hadn't thought him important enough to talk to when they arrived.
And that... was a whole tangle of emotions. Clef found out that Link hadn't thought Clef cared about him enough to think it mattered, and Shadow kind of steamrolled them into talking to each other and getting everything out into the open. While Clef had never put it into words, he was starting to see Link and Shadow as sons. Well, as close as he had ever had to sons. More Link than Shadow, but some of that was simply knowing Link longer, and some of that was that in some ways... Link seemed to need Clef more. Or at least he needs someone to keep him from blowing his fingers off with an explosive toy. Clef thought that Shadow was much more... together.
He suggested that they all find a place to live together, so Link could see that he does have a family who cares about him, and so that maybe they could all be happy. Clef had heard enough about Link's world to feel protective over all three of them. He met with Zelda and likes her as well, and looks forward to getting to know her better.
And then Clef lost control of his emotions and his temper and his accent. After being so careful and so good at controlling them for so long, he bopped Link on the head and called him a moron. He didn't mean it, and regretted it immediately. Calming Link down and apologizing took some doing, and once the boy was calm, Clef decided that it had perhaps been for the best. Given Link's reaction, the kid seemed to need to understand that people can have a fight, or do or say stupid things, without that meaning that they no longer cared. Link seemed fine when they parted ways, and he mused on it further.
He had taken a trip to the library to try to understand what Jane had been saying about gravity when he encountered Shadow. The boy asked if they could talk, and he agreed. Talking, however, soon turned... into something else. At first, they discussed Link, and Zelda a bit, how fragile both were, how to help them both. Clef thought they were on the same page, there, and tried to offer that same help to Shadow. The conversation devolved quickly from there. He told Shadow that he saw him as family as well, wanted to take care of him, and Shadow reacted badly.
Clef tried to calm him down, tried to fix things, but only made it worse. Shadow was convinced that Clef wasn't listening, Clef was certain he was, but that Shadow wasn't realizing that. When Shadow told him to walk away, Clef did. When he had been Guru, he would not have, he would have pushed until they hashed it out, one way or the other. Instead, he respected Shadow's choice and left, though his heart said it was the wrong thing to do.
Leaving Shadow, Clef had gone to find Link...
... When the school storm hit.
During the school storm, Clef was a teacher, of all things, science. Professor Clef had been just as studious as Clef was normally, only the subject matter differed.
After the storm. Clef started thinking over the difference in teaching methods between how he always taught, and the classroom situation. He spoke with Link after, about Shadow, and about the storm. But while he now has more of a grasp on some of the things Jane was trying to teach him - like how ovens work, and gravity - the school storm actually changed little for him, compared to the massive change brought on by the forming of his new family.
Clef wants to help everyone he can, small scale and large. He went from believing he had to fulfil his role because of the prophecy to talking to Link about creating his own destiny. He is dealing with his own guilt about sending the Knights off the way Link had been sent off, seeing now what damage that could do to a person. But the past is behind him, and while he can learn from it, he refuses to be mired in it.
The past is like the roots of a great tree. The whole tree stands on that foundation, it anchors the present. But the present is the trunk, it is what people see. The branches are both part of the present and part of the future, and with them, he can help lift others higher. His past was his role and his place. His present is trying to help everyone because that is who he is.
He hopes his future will be branches strong enough to support whole worlds and their peoples, with leaves to shade those who need protecting, and fruit to fill those who hunger.
What hasn't changed is his dedication to learning all that he can. What hasn't changed are his feelings for the people he left behind at home. He still loves the Prince and Princess. He still misses Presea. He still harbors anger and hurt from the betrayal of Zagato and Alcione, and the abandonment of Lantis.
But he has a family now he never could have imagined, back home. He has a new understanding of the Knights and wishes he could make things right for them, and he no longer thinks destiny and prophecies are enough to make anyone accept their fate. Everyone has the right to choose. And he chooses to work hard and study and do whatever it takes to earn the right to be a Guru again, because a Guru is someone who helps, teaches, and protects, and that is who he wants to be.
Just like Guru Nash.
He researched how to officially adopt Link, and the others if they wish, and while asking for advice, he failed to lock his video, accidently announcing the adoption to the whole of Naut in doing so. He started calling Link his son, but the first time Link called him Dad was when they had both been akumatized by Papillion to serve Endos. He and Link had been taken at the same time, because for the first time Link allowed him to fight alongside him, letting him stand as a mage who could defend and protect as well, rather than as someone who needed to be protected.
During that brainwashing, he was still Clef in many ways, he still felt himself family to Link, Zelda, and Shadow, but the loyalty he had so blindly given to Naut when he arrived was given to Endos. Someone he had never met, that he was sure was completely in the right and in need of his services. He thought that serving Endos was serving this and all worlds.
With the brainwashing broke, Clef began to suffer from another identity crisis. Because just as the alignment swap version of him had felt so real, so had this. He wasn't sure which was real any more, which was him. But he knew that some things were the same and that those must be real. He hoped. That he loves Link, Zelda, and Shadow. That he wants to help all the worlds. That he wants to serve in his own way.
He's just not certain that he is doing what is right anymore, even if his intentions are good. A sense of self is something he is trying to find.
At the same time, he has started several different kinds of research all at once. He is studying the linguistics of this world and the translation magic, given the odd inconsistencies he is noticing in teaching Link spelling and grammar. He is also studying gems to do Pharle work once again, to make proper armor for his family and friends. He is researching Ganondorf because he made a promise to Link to do so, and because it has become something between him and Zelda. And, having met Demyx right before the battle with Papillion, he has started to study placebos, which he only knows about because of the school storm. He plans to make an artificial heart with Bending for Demyx. He knows that while he could make something that connects and pumps and seems to beat... it won't be a heart as an emotional center. But he is sure that if Demyx allows himself to think he has a heart, that he will allow himself to start to feel, and that the emotions will come naturally. He is researching that now. The Clef who entered this world would not have considered a placebo even if he had known what one was. Now Clef is open to new ways to help people.
He had spent years preparing for that potentiality. He worked with Presea to make the Knights their proper armor, researched spells to teach them, prepared all he could for their journey... and then soon after they appeared... he was Wakened.
Unlike some of the newly Wakened, Clef did not seek to return home. To his mind, this was his role to play. He had wanted to spend more time with the Knights - infuriating as two of them were - but that was not his part any longer. He was, he believed, much like a Magic Knight for Nautilus.
He remained more or less in his rut, in his way of doing things after arrival. To some, that might not look like a rut, because what he did was study. He tried to learn everything he could about bending, about the magics of other worlds, and about what he could do to serve the role he was given.
But that was all he had been doing for hundreds of years. Study and fulfil the role he was given. Yes, his mind was open and receptive to new ideas about magic, and power, but he was firm in his convictions. The Pillar of a world - be it Emeraude for Ceiphro or Nautilus for Nautilus was to be protected, and cared for. He took the storms to be Nautilus' way of entertaining himself, and played along because he figured that was the cost of keeping the Pillar safe and sane.
Those who knew him then could speak to his stubborn refusal to believe anything else. Everything he was told about Aeons and Ashura and the like he translated in his mind into terms he was familiar with. He studied magic, but not the world he was now in; so sure he already understood it.
The first major change for Clef was the alignment swap storm. Before that he accepted that he was still a Guru, felt that was still his role. He felt that the Pillars were blameless and needed to be supported, not questioned.
And then he was no longer lawful good. He was chaotic evil. He saw his role not as his place in the worlds, but as shackles. He remembered his feelings of loyalty but no longer felt them, and he became convinced that they were proof that all this time he had been under a terrible and horrible spell. And he decided that no longer would someone else decide his role in life. He knew who and what he would be. He would be the one who killed the Pillars, freeing everyone from their mind-control, ending their tyrannical rule.
He prefered to start with Emeraude as he felt personally betrayed by her, but he was flexible. He was just as willing to start with Naut - as he started calling Nautilus - should the opportunity arise. He was balked many times in his quest to get to a gate and fulfil his self-chosen destiny. But even when he was balked, he was still Clef. Jane distracted him for a time by showing him a fascinating magic he had never before seen, and a new way to use shields. When he almost killed Nash by accident (how he perceived it, not how close he actually came to frying the man) he felt remorse, and wanted to enlist his friend into helping him.
Nash took him out of the effects of the storm, and sat with him while his head cleared. Clef turned introspective as the effects slowly faded, trying to examine his life and his memories to figure out what was really him, and what was artificial. Who he was.
Ultimately he came to the conclusion that his loyalty to Emeraude was real, because she had earned it, and because he had come to care for her and her brother as family. Because he loved them both. His faith in her was justified. Naut, however, was an unknown, and while he wanted to believe the best, and in some ways still saw him as a Pillar, the blind devotion was gone. Clef's wanting to help became wanting to help the worlds not because it was his role, but because that was what he wanted to do, who he wanted to be.
On that day, he renounced his title of Guru, because he no longer felt he earned it. He has since called Nash Guru Nash, because he feels that Nash is wise enough and strong enough to deserve the title. And a little bit because it seemed to make Nash uncomfortable. This was the first time he really felt like he belonged in this world enough to tease someone here that way. It was the closest he had let anyone get since his arrival.
Another major change that day, and one he is still trying to figure out, was his accent. In his canon, from the point he was taken, he speaks properly when calm, but when he gets emotional, he drops into something that makes him sound somewhat uneducated, and perhaps a little like a thug. He is usually embarrassed after, and has tried to reign it in. He has always felt like he has to sound educated to impress people so that they will take him seriously, given that he stopped ageing at about 10 or 12 years old, and is tiny. It was something he struggled with in game, until the storm. While affected, he didn't fight it, didn't try to sound educated. He didn't care about respect. After... he came to terms with not being a Guru, felt he was unworthy of the respect, and stopped trying so hard.
And oddly? Once he stopped trying to control his accent... it mostly went away. Now instead of appearing when he gets emotional, it only comes when he is VERY emotional, and he can often control it and stop himself. He has also, for the most part, gotten better at controlling his emotions as a whole. Ever since he was forced to question if his emotions were truly his, he has been more careful about reacting based solely on them.
He also, after that storm but not as a DIRECT effect of it, stopped trying to take science as magic. He tried to learn the differences, he tried to understand science. He did not always do a good job of it, but he tries. The 4th Doctor and Jane were major resources for him in learning science.
At Christmas, he spent a while discussing cooking with Jane because she was explaining how baking worked, and he could tell there was something there that he was missing. He became fascinated with it. And the topic had come up because a conversation with Link previously had him wanting to learn to bend food that wasn't the usual fare. He had been content with berries and the other offerings of the forest until Link expressed a boredom with such things, which is why he spent so much time after that trying to memorize the taste, smell, texture, and appearance of so many foods. He wants to bend them for Link, and for others. But he also wants to learn how to make them the other way, sure this will unlock the secrets of science for him.
At the Christmas dance, he also spent time revisiting the topic of clothing, which he and Nash had discussed at his arrival. Then, Clef had written off the other man's confusion about his armor. Here, Clef saw everyone dressed differently, and his clothing didn't feel like armor, so he was confused. And when he saw Nita dressed up... for the first time he had some minor inkling as to why people might change their clothing or care about how it fit them. He is still... a little confused about his reaction to seeing her in a dress, and tries not to think about it.
That's right, 745 years old, and he has no freaking clue that he started to have a minor crush on one of his friends.
Clef did his best to apologize for his behaviour during the alignment swap storm, and tried to make amends. He comforted people who needed comforting, and he tried to help those who needed it. He stopped looking only at the macrocosm of saving all the worlds as his sole focus, and learned to also see the small ways in which he could help those around him.
During this time he became closer with Link. Link in many ways reminded him of Ferio, when the Prince had been younger. Clef grew protective over the boy and increasingly frustrated. He hadn't realized, however, just how much he had grown to care for Link until Shadow appeared.
Thinking Shadow was Link under the effects of a storm, Clef grew concerned and tried to talk to him. When he learned that Shadow was - more or less - family of Link's from - again, more or less - his world, and that Link hadn't told him that he and Zelda had arrived, Clef was hurt. He realized the depth of his feelings for the young boy by how hurt he was that Link hadn't thought him important enough to talk to when they arrived.
And that... was a whole tangle of emotions. Clef found out that Link hadn't thought Clef cared about him enough to think it mattered, and Shadow kind of steamrolled them into talking to each other and getting everything out into the open. While Clef had never put it into words, he was starting to see Link and Shadow as sons. Well, as close as he had ever had to sons. More Link than Shadow, but some of that was simply knowing Link longer, and some of that was that in some ways... Link seemed to need Clef more. Or at least he needs someone to keep him from blowing his fingers off with an explosive toy. Clef thought that Shadow was much more... together.
He suggested that they all find a place to live together, so Link could see that he does have a family who cares about him, and so that maybe they could all be happy. Clef had heard enough about Link's world to feel protective over all three of them. He met with Zelda and likes her as well, and looks forward to getting to know her better.
And then Clef lost control of his emotions and his temper and his accent. After being so careful and so good at controlling them for so long, he bopped Link on the head and called him a moron. He didn't mean it, and regretted it immediately. Calming Link down and apologizing took some doing, and once the boy was calm, Clef decided that it had perhaps been for the best. Given Link's reaction, the kid seemed to need to understand that people can have a fight, or do or say stupid things, without that meaning that they no longer cared. Link seemed fine when they parted ways, and he mused on it further.
He had taken a trip to the library to try to understand what Jane had been saying about gravity when he encountered Shadow. The boy asked if they could talk, and he agreed. Talking, however, soon turned... into something else. At first, they discussed Link, and Zelda a bit, how fragile both were, how to help them both. Clef thought they were on the same page, there, and tried to offer that same help to Shadow. The conversation devolved quickly from there. He told Shadow that he saw him as family as well, wanted to take care of him, and Shadow reacted badly.
Clef tried to calm him down, tried to fix things, but only made it worse. Shadow was convinced that Clef wasn't listening, Clef was certain he was, but that Shadow wasn't realizing that. When Shadow told him to walk away, Clef did. When he had been Guru, he would not have, he would have pushed until they hashed it out, one way or the other. Instead, he respected Shadow's choice and left, though his heart said it was the wrong thing to do.
Leaving Shadow, Clef had gone to find Link...
... When the school storm hit.
During the school storm, Clef was a teacher, of all things, science. Professor Clef had been just as studious as Clef was normally, only the subject matter differed.
After the storm. Clef started thinking over the difference in teaching methods between how he always taught, and the classroom situation. He spoke with Link after, about Shadow, and about the storm. But while he now has more of a grasp on some of the things Jane was trying to teach him - like how ovens work, and gravity - the school storm actually changed little for him, compared to the massive change brought on by the forming of his new family.
Clef wants to help everyone he can, small scale and large. He went from believing he had to fulfil his role because of the prophecy to talking to Link about creating his own destiny. He is dealing with his own guilt about sending the Knights off the way Link had been sent off, seeing now what damage that could do to a person. But the past is behind him, and while he can learn from it, he refuses to be mired in it.
The past is like the roots of a great tree. The whole tree stands on that foundation, it anchors the present. But the present is the trunk, it is what people see. The branches are both part of the present and part of the future, and with them, he can help lift others higher. His past was his role and his place. His present is trying to help everyone because that is who he is.
He hopes his future will be branches strong enough to support whole worlds and their peoples, with leaves to shade those who need protecting, and fruit to fill those who hunger.
What hasn't changed is his dedication to learning all that he can. What hasn't changed are his feelings for the people he left behind at home. He still loves the Prince and Princess. He still misses Presea. He still harbors anger and hurt from the betrayal of Zagato and Alcione, and the abandonment of Lantis.
But he has a family now he never could have imagined, back home. He has a new understanding of the Knights and wishes he could make things right for them, and he no longer thinks destiny and prophecies are enough to make anyone accept their fate. Everyone has the right to choose. And he chooses to work hard and study and do whatever it takes to earn the right to be a Guru again, because a Guru is someone who helps, teaches, and protects, and that is who he wants to be.
Just like Guru Nash.
He researched how to officially adopt Link, and the others if they wish, and while asking for advice, he failed to lock his video, accidently announcing the adoption to the whole of Naut in doing so. He started calling Link his son, but the first time Link called him Dad was when they had both been akumatized by Papillion to serve Endos. He and Link had been taken at the same time, because for the first time Link allowed him to fight alongside him, letting him stand as a mage who could defend and protect as well, rather than as someone who needed to be protected.
During that brainwashing, he was still Clef in many ways, he still felt himself family to Link, Zelda, and Shadow, but the loyalty he had so blindly given to Naut when he arrived was given to Endos. Someone he had never met, that he was sure was completely in the right and in need of his services. He thought that serving Endos was serving this and all worlds.
With the brainwashing broke, Clef began to suffer from another identity crisis. Because just as the alignment swap version of him had felt so real, so had this. He wasn't sure which was real any more, which was him. But he knew that some things were the same and that those must be real. He hoped. That he loves Link, Zelda, and Shadow. That he wants to help all the worlds. That he wants to serve in his own way.
He's just not certain that he is doing what is right anymore, even if his intentions are good. A sense of self is something he is trying to find.
At the same time, he has started several different kinds of research all at once. He is studying the linguistics of this world and the translation magic, given the odd inconsistencies he is noticing in teaching Link spelling and grammar. He is also studying gems to do Pharle work once again, to make proper armor for his family and friends. He is researching Ganondorf because he made a promise to Link to do so, and because it has become something between him and Zelda. And, having met Demyx right before the battle with Papillion, he has started to study placebos, which he only knows about because of the school storm. He plans to make an artificial heart with Bending for Demyx. He knows that while he could make something that connects and pumps and seems to beat... it won't be a heart as an emotional center. But he is sure that if Demyx allows himself to think he has a heart, that he will allow himself to start to feel, and that the emotions will come naturally. He is researching that now. The Clef who entered this world would not have considered a placebo even if he had known what one was. Now Clef is open to new ways to help people.
